Note to Self

I've known people who have learned to get along in life, not by taking care of themselves, but by manipulating others into donating their time or money or food or love or shelter ... It struck me that keeping all the conflicting, custom made tall-tales and various personae (that are typical tools-of-the-trade) straight, from encounter to encounter, would be exceedingly arduous. Just how does one be a lumber jack and an astronaut at the same time at an inconvenient three way intersection, anyway?

As I surveyed from a wider perspective, I could see that my own predicament wasn't really all that different. It's just that my illusions were self delusions.

I spent my life collecting all these sheets and scraps of paper upon which I'd written notes to myself. "I like this." "That makes me sad." "I want to be more like her." "I'm good at this." "I've always wanted to do that." "He makes me crazy." "I'm on the right side." At this point, the scraps of paper fill virtually every corner of every room in my "house". Some are still there imposing their will, although I haven't seen them for years. Many contradict each other or are known to be fictitious. Yet, I still often catch myself going around carrying as many notes with me as I can, because that's what people are expected to do, in order to validate themselves to others.

We define ourselves by our ever changing and constantly compounding post-it collections, and present ourselves to others by showing off our very favorite quotes. We have spread sheets laid out to describe others around us, as individuals and as collectives. A whole wing of my house is packed with "notes-to-self" about how the world behaves, in relation to my scrawled wants and needs.

Ahhh. To let go of it all. To open the doors and windows wide, and invite the wind to howl through all of my corridors, to aerate each room and swirl through every closet, sweeping away all of my collected notions.

Imagine the openness and spaciousness and ease. Allowing the world to be whatever it is and whatever it will be. Accepting others without condition. Traveling unencumbered. Relating honestly, without need for defense or gain. Free to be whomever and whatever the moment asks of me.

What a relief. Feeling connected, welcome and warm. Enjoying the quiet. Basking in delight.

Home again. Home anew.